Tattoos:

Just, don’t.

 

 

I have never hated anything so much in my life, nor regretted anything as much. In fact I’ve never regretted anything. And that’s saying something. I will try anything to get it off. I’ve tried cutting it out,  but i wont know until it scabs. next i will try and burn it off. I can’t think of anything else yet, but I will not stop until it is gone. And it will, I’ll make sure of it.

I am actually crying, no, sobbing with regret and hatred. I hate it. I wish I had never got it done. And it’s been four days.

:|

Great, not gonna see you until Friday or Saturday and you couldn’t be arsed to come round earlier, even though you never come round, it’s always me going to yours, and now you’re the one who won’t fucking speak to me on MSN. And now you’ve gone offline. Well thanks for that, I feel so loved now. Why do I even fucking bother? You can make the effort next time.

Boredom: Day 1

Well so far on the first day (out of four) of boredom, I have;

1. tidied my room a bit. its still messy.
2. that’s it.

Now I plan to make myself some dinner, eat it, come back upstairs and maybe do some coursework, although I won’t, of course. I might give myself a manicure. Nah, cause it will smudge then I’ll get even more pissed off and probably start throwing things. Sigh. I’ll just bang a bit of hand cream on and file my nails. I’ll do that now, actually. I’m not hungry enough for dinner yet, seeing as I’ve just eaten about a gazillion chocolate chip cookies. I could even clean my laptop and try and force my phone to accept music from Windows Media Player. HAHA, when the sun shines turquoise, my dear. When the sun shines at all come to think about it, this weather is shit. I WANT SUMMER. *angryface* then at least I can go outside and find a nice field to lie on by myself with a book and some nibblets and drinkies. Why is it dark already? Argh, damn you seasonal changes.

distance

I feel distant from people today. I don’t think it’s my fault, i haven’t done anything i wouldn’t usually do. I’ve spoke to 4 people today, 2 via text and 2 live in my house. ugh, depressing. And one thing is for sure, today has been UNPRODUCTIVE. Unproductive with a capital U. I’ve done nothing except watch TV, eat, shower, sleep, post myspace bulletin quizzes and watch porn. I feel like a dude. That’s no way to spend a saturday! Sunday maybe, but saturdays are sacred. I had loads of time to do coursework, but no. I just wasted the whole day. I had a nice lie in though.

So, i’m going to get more food, feel fat and sad, bang a film on then go to sleep and hope tomorrow will be better.

Circle me and the needle moves gracefully, back and forth, if my heart was a compass you’d be north.

I’m sorry

(fuck grammar, capital letters and apostraphes. cba.)

i can feel my face crumpling and my eyes getting warm. Its a horrible feeling. You can feel your eyebrows knit together and your chin go all wrinkly, and you can tell you look a fool, and thats before the tears spill down your cheeks to their own accord. It makes your eyes really red and your eyelashes all wet, i hate that. I’d like to look tragic like they do in films, but the once or twice i’ve caught myself in a reflective surface, it wasn’t pretty. In fact it was really ugly. And I make this weird noise, I usually cry in private so I’ve learnt to supress the sobs down to strange wheezes and sniffs, sometimes it even sounds like when you chuckle through your nose. But worst of all is the morning after. my eyelids go ridiculously puffy like i’ve had collegen filler in them, and the rest of my face is hard to move because of where the tears have dried. And not to mention the headache!

Crying is just so stupid. What’s the point? It feels good to just let it all out and you feel slightly better afterwards (until you look in the mirror, that is). But, eyes? salty water.. coming out of your eyes? it isn’t to clean them, because eyes clean themselves without the heaving/wheezing/sobbing part. Strange.

I’m sorry for putting you in a bad mood.

Hitch-hiking

Cars! Cars rolling down the hill
like Jack and Jill.
They won’t stop for me.
I want to escape this town but there’s
no way out.

We coulda got a room
for two.
We coulda been just like
we used to.
Coulda pretended we were still in love.
But its too late now (too late for that).

Cars! Cars of different colours
tell your sisters and brothers.
They won’t lie for me.
I have to escape your arms but there’s
no way out.

We coulda talked like
old times.
Argued about eachothers
petty crimes.
Coulda pretended we were still in love.
One more night (one more time)

Cars! Cars, headlights aglow
like bright eyes saying hello
They won’t cry for me.
One of these days I’ll escape, for now there’s
no way out.

an undelivered MSN message.

Maybe when you sign in next, i’ll be dead. that will make things easier for both of us. Unlikely though.
I love you, but I can’t handle this. I can’t handle you being bestfriends with her, i can barely handle you talking to other girls. I dont want to be all nice tomorrow. i want to get this sorted, and if that means us breaking up then so be it. i dont want to break up with you but like i’ve already said, i just can’t take all this jealousy anymore.
i suppose what happens in the next few days will show who’s the most important person in your life. because if you had to choose, you’d choose her.
Don’t put me in your name. I’m not going to pretend I dont care, because i do. its not the actual name thing, its just that she was in your name for the duration of your relationship while I have been in it for.. less than a day out of 3/4 months. kinda shows something, i think. Are you ashamed?
until the next arguement. xx

bleh

My head hurts and I have terrible stomach pain, and on top of that I feel sick. I might not go to school tomorrow. I couldn’t be bothered to fetch those paracetamol, now I wish I had. Bleh.

-

I hate how you can make me cry.

it’s nearly midnight. I’m not tired. I’m on facebook browsing through Miffy’s pictures. The one that hates me. Another person that hates me – although she has a valid reason, at least.

I’m going downstairs in a minute and I’m fetching some painkillers. I’ve never known paracetamol to numb emotional pain but it’s worth a try. I have some gin left so I’ll have some of that and maybe find a sharp knife to slice my veins open with. Of course I won’t though. Small cuts are okay, they fade quickly. But the big ones leave scars, open for anyone to see, like parents and teachers. They like to get involved.

I don’t know what to do about this. About anything really. I’d say I’m depressed, but that isn’t true because this morning I was fine. Besides, everyone would think I’m doing it for attention. People have bigger problems than I do, I really don’t matter to anyone. I’m not at the top of anyone’s list because I’m not important enough to be helped. I’m not putting mine or anyone else life in danger. I’ll be fine.

I’ll be fine.

-

Argh I really need to write an angry post because I’m so fucking pissed off. I’ve had a fucking brilliant day and that’s just ruined it. Great. Thanks for that. Oh and by the way, you don’t know anything so why jump to stupid conclusions? I have done nothing wrong. Stop blaming other people for your problems.

 

Go die.